The Pursuit of Being

tell me where i fit.

Last Night

by tamaramullins

I was on the L train coming home to Brooklyn after a very long, exhausting night serving Super Bowl ticket holders at a busy tourist trap restaurant bar in the heart of Times Square. It was 3am and all I wanted to do was sleep for the unforeseeable future.

After getting yelled at by a very drunk man in TSQ before getting on the train, my senses were heightened and I was very aware of my surroundings. At the Graham stop on the L a man gets on my train car. He is clearly very drunk and looking for some sort of a fight.

This whole time I have been seated a few benches down from this young gay couple, the blonde one resting his hand on his boyfriend’s knee. The man targets them immediately; not only are they gay, they are an interracial couple.

He originally sits down next to the blonde one but, the second he sees where his hand is placed, the man stands up and moves to the bench directly across the aisle from the couple. That’s when the comments start. I can’t hear what he’s shouting at first because I had tried to remain inconspicuous by leaving my headphones in. I see the couple rolling their eyes but looking anywhere but at him, trying their best to not engage.

Then I hear what he’s shouting.

“FUCKING PUSSY FAGGOTS. DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO HELL? YOU ALL ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING. THIS IS MY TERRITORY.”

What is even more disturbing is that I seemed to be the only person on the half-full car to notice this scene. No one else acknowledged the man’s presence, like this was a normal way for a human to act.

I had no idea what to do. I believe being a bystander is a contributing factor to situations like this, people get away with saying these things and they continue to intrude on people’s lives. But this man was belligerent. I had no clue what he was capable of. I chose not to speak, but as a silent show of support I got up and moved right next to the blonde boy, where the man had first sat down. He was now sitting right in front of me.

Then I became his target.

“FUCKING STUPID WHITE WHORE. HOW DARE YOU DEFEND THESE FUCKING FAGGOTS. YOU BETTER HOPE I DON’T FOLLOW YOU OFF THIS TRAIN BECAUSE I WILL RAPE YOU AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU UNTIL YOU KNOW HOMOSEXUALITY IS FUCKED UP. THIS IS MY TERRITORY.”

This continued until we arrived at the stop directly before mine. I was certain he was going to follow me and attack me, so I took my phone out as this was my one chance to call for help on the train – it’s the only above ground stop with cell signal.

It was then that he leaned in and whispered “this is my stop” and walked off the train.

The whole time he was threatening to rape me, no one looked up. No one tried to silence him. No one tried to protect me.

It’s About to be A New Year

by tamaramullins

Let’s Have A Toast To Our Goodbyes

by tamaramullins

For the independent ladies in my life.

Bucket List! #Yolo!

by tamaramullins

     I recently met someone who, when asking questions to get to know me, wanted to know that the number one item on my bucket list was. This is someone who literally traveled around the world in six months just because one of his items was ‘to see the world’. He has a physical list typed out on his computer and he crosses items off as he experiences them, or adds new ones as they pop into his head.

     I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my mind – ever since that conversation I’ve been trying to think of what my bucket list items would be.

     So, I’ve decided to start my own physical list. And, hopefully, share my experiences of each one on this blog. Who knows how it will work out, I don’t even know what kinds of things I’m going to put on it. But here goes. The beginning of my very own bucket list! I know I’m a huge dork for doing this but I want to give myself some challenges. 

 

  • Travel to Ireland
  • See the secret City Hall subway stop in NYC
  • Walk the Brooklyn Bridge
  • Become a bone marrow donor 
  • Attend the William Esper Studio
  • Move to LA
  • Meet Jennifer Lawrence (bonus points for convincing her to be my best friend)
  • Bungee jump
  • Participate in a peaceful protest of something I am extremely passionate about
  • Be a guest on Inside the Actor’s Studio and/or Late Night with Seth Meyers

 

To be continued…

Things That Have Happened This Week

by tamaramullins

  • I puked on a subway train…before noon. Not because of alcohol. Probably won’t be the last time, but hopefully the other reasons are party-related. 
  • For the first time I heard a bartender tell me “Ladies, this is compliments of the gentleman over there…”
  • Realized I REALLY enjoy Dos XX beer
  • Submitted an application to my dream school
  • Set up an interview at said dream school
  • Looked up my student loans and the balance said $0. I am sure this is a glitch but right now I’m living in the dream world that I have zero student loan debt. 
  • Became a big kid and got a credit card. With a real credit limit.
  • Made peace with someone, I think.

 

Not bad, June. I’ll take it.

Remember When You…

by tamaramullins

  • …Agreed to pay utilities for the last month you lived in the apartment, but when it came time to put your big boy pants on you refused to pay them, saying it’s too much of a financial hardship for you. But IN THE SAME DAY you texted my roommate and offered to take her to dinner and a Broadway show to make up for paying your portion. “$30 more dollars is difficult”…but you’ll spend $60 for my best friend to go to a show? Logic. I agreed to cut you slack because you said you needed a break financially. Now I know you were just doing it to be an asshole.
  • …Said if we ever broke up you’d be the one to move out because it would just make sense? And then when it came time to hold true to that you threw a hissy fit? First you told us you were moving and to find a roommate, so we did, and then you tried to say I owed you $2,000 because of money you spent on me during our relationship, and that I should be the one to move out – even though no one was asking anyone to move. You just decided it should happen even though no one really had the money to and yet somehow it’s now my fault that your move was expensive.
  • …Told all of our co-workers that you were taking a trip to Philadelphia to ‘get laid’ 5 days after you broke up with me? And when asked why you did that you said it was ‘to not look like a loser, but you didn’t really plan to’. And you wonder why I wasn’t honest with you after that?
  • …Broke up with me because I wasn’t giving you enough of what you felt you needed (fair.) But when you finally decided that I WAS enough, I had gotten to a place where I realized I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and needed to figure some stuff out (also, I think, fair.) but you used that answer of mine as a way to turn me into the bad guy, saying that I was rejecting you and that I was stringing you along and you didn’t understand what you had to do to get back with me, etc. Rather than respecting what I told you I needed, you constantly had to make me tell you I wasn’t ready and constantly had me repeat that I needed to be alone. Which tore me apart, but it didn’t matter because you were going to do it until I told you what you wanted to hear (which I almost did a couple of times) but I didn’t. And I went out with other guys and got confused that it hurt when you went out with other women. Which only makes me human. But you chose to resent me for it. And now this is where we’re at.

 

    Remember when…we said we’d be friends no matter what? Guess we’re both just saying ‘fuck that’. 

“POP POP”

by tamaramullins

(view video to understand title reference)

Getting blocked on Facebook is cool.

But you know what is AWESOME (sans sarcasm)!?

Coming home to a quiet, stress free, empty apartment that has a 100% more positive vibe than it did 12 hours ago.

Life begins…now.

Things I’m (Not Actually) Sorry For

by tamaramullins

  1. Using my new-found independence to discover other people and what they’re like. I’ve lived in a very closed-off state for the last 22 years of my life, so forgive me for going a little crazy and wanting to meet anyone and everyone and maybe even kiss them sometimes because it’s nice to see how people from all over the world do that.
  2. Holding my ground and making difficult decisions that relate to my life, and my life only. I was dumped recently, and that opened my eyes to just how little time I’ve spent on my own. It’s terrifying, the idea of only having myself to rely on. But if I never take the time to experience it, how am I expected to know what it’s like to need someone else? I’ve always resented boyfriends who wanted me to ‘need’ them, I’ve never known what it was like to ‘need’ someone…because I’ve never been without someone. People go through this at different moments in their life, don’t hold it against me that mine is happening now.
  3. Being in the relationship I was in this past year. It ended, and that’s awful, because in the beginning I did NOT see it ever ending. I thought it would be the relationship to end all relationships. But the reality is that it wasn’t. I have to take what I learned from that relationship and move forward with my life. It’s awful knowing what his family is saying about me, about how I’m selfish and ungrateful. It’s unfortunate that they have those opinions of me and I wish I could sit them down and talk it out, but I can’t. So I have to know that their opinion of me was formed after very little interaction, and part of that interaction happened when our relationship was not a happy one, so I was a negative version of myself. What they tell him I am is not what I am. 
  4. The lies I have told in the past year. Well, this is a tricky one because I hate that I lied. But my motivations for lying? Not sorry for those. That’s rough to admit, because of how people might take it, but let me try to explain. Some people lie just because they can, some people lie to make themselves look better, and some people lie because they want to hurt others. The lies I have told to a couple of specific people in the past year/month have genuinely been born from a desire to protect. Lying is never a good thing – I’m not advocating it – but I truly believe my intentions were noble. I was never lying to hurt anyone, I was hoping to do exactly the opposite. But let me tell you, sometimes the truth is WAY. MORE. PAINFUL. to hear, and that’s what I was hoping to avoid. I have lied in the recent past, but I am not a liar. I dare you to swear on your dead pet’s grave that you haven’t lied about anything in the past year. And let me tell you, if there’s anyone I’ve lied the most to in the past year or more, it’s myself. 

 

That’s a short list, but a very comprehensive one. I have had a lot of negative things said to/written/assumed/gossiped about me in the last month – things I wish I could bitch-slap out of people’s mouths. But the talking is never going to stop. When you’re trying to assert yourself as independent, and take control of your own life, you’re going to have a lot of judgements thrown in your face. Not everyone is going to understand.

But you still have to try. Because if you don’t know, love, and understand yourself…how in the hell can you ask others to? Growing with another human is completely possible (and beautiful) but you can’t be ready to do so until you’ve reached your potential as a singular unit.

I truly believe that.

You Learn

by tamaramullins

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning 

And company doesn’t mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts 

And presents aren’t promises, 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 

And you learn to build all your roads on today 

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn… 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure… 

That you really are strong 

And you really do have worth… 

And you learn and learn… 

With every goodbye you learn.

 

(poem by Victor Borges)

Mutual Incompatibilities

by tamaramullins

I came to this space to write something but had no specific plan as to what. It was a reflex: See Something Written About You, Write A Response. But I don’t know what else to say that I haven’t already expressed. I guess I can try.

You know this feeling you have? The one where your gut is screaming at you to tell you that you don’t have the whole story, but your heart is exhausted from having the same conversation over and over again so you’re scared bring it up again? I know that feeling. I’ve been there with you a couple of different times. Stories not adding up, misplaced emotional reactions, the overwhelming stench in the air that you’re not getting the whole truth. Simultaneously wanting to demand answers but knowing you really don’t have a right to. I know.

I wish I could tell you what you needed to hear to calm your mind. But I can’t. Because there’s really only one answer you truly want me to give you right now, and I have already told you I wasn’t ready to be that for you. So everything else I say and do now is a violation. My actions won’t be seen as acceptable unless they’re working towards the goal you want me to reach.

You still have the ability to get under my skin and that’s annoying. I argued myself to sleep last night. Crazy people do that. I literally was arguing with myself about whether I should be upset with you. Telling myself that it’s going to pass and there’s no point in harboring animosity because we both are working towards being whatever idea of ourselves we envision. Saying that you’re upset right now and your actions aren’t a true reflection of the respect (or lack thereof) you feel towards me. I drifted off into sleep somewhere in between. I was attempting to hold on to the last sliver of positive reinforcement I received from my friends this past week. It almost lasted two days.

It’s a shame that our attempt to find more respect for each other has had the complete opposite effect so far.

I wish I knew how to get past this without ruining each other. Any ideas? Maybe your date is a good place to start?

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